Do I know anything?

I always think of the way or what happens after I die, the way it was written in Hamilton (musical) it got to me and made me think about it, what is a legacy? Who truly knows what to do in everyday moments? What does death feel like? Cold, warm, wet, dry? Is it a feeling or a pain? Do you have the wisdom when you die? Do you think of yourself or love ones? Will someone ever tell your story? Who do you trust for such things? I want to know but I won’t, will I? Will someone love me so that they tell my story truthfully? How to know what love truly is? Is it complicated? Is it the way you see them and it feels like you always knew them? Do they feel like what you were is what was missing in their life? Is it sweet? What if it gets bitter? Who will sacrifice to sweeten it? What if it’s already cooked and just stays bitter forever? What if you don’t have a good life? I don’t know what to do about it but I don’t want to be ruining someone because of my own past. What if I never get kids? What do I know?! I don’t know anything about everything but everything about nothing.. IT TRIGGERS ME BUT ITS TRUE! I can’t just be blind over the fact that we completely forgot about the fact that we aren’t even close to knowing what is happening in the world and universe yet we act like we have a clue, how did Einstein knew? I mean it was always there, how did he perceive things? He was just always right? No way. I barely know anything like him but I want to know, not to flex. Those things fascinate me so much I’m happy to know more. Even though I don’t have the energy of process like him but I want at least a glimpse of it. I want to have my own mark in history. Still my own mind knows im worth more than a dollar, at least I hope so! I’m not sure I’m wise, what is a wise person? someone whom gain knowledge by experience and errors? I think so. But there’s so much more to it I think.. lately I’ve been feeling like a little clock. Always watched, I’m not feeling well outside of my house, is the world looking at me in such ways it knows I’m in danger? I don’t think so, I hurt my body staying inside but I can’t get out without having the feeling something will happen to me, I want the person to stop the mockery of me. It’s not fair, I want it to stop. Just who is it!? I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a bottle of hay. I’m lost, I can’t find what I like. What if I make the wrong choice of my future? I don’t want to lose everything. Who will be the one telling my errors on front page of embarrassment? I want to seek the truth and future yet future can’t ever come to me, the truth flows through me and never lightens me or my mind, do I not know how to achieve this knowledge yet? I need to get back on my feet.. laying on the ground will never make me fly through wind and find the unseen truth of it all, but what will awaits me there? What if I can’t see or feel the truth? What if the truth will never come? What if the truth was false? What can I achieve in a world where I am nothing until I find a purpose I haven’t gotten hints to find it? What if my purpose is to find a way to make it happen? Make what happen? Why shouldn’t I be in history? Why would I be in history? What if those eyes are the people watching my story? Watching my future unravel before my own very eyes? What if I am both of them? Nothing and everything? I mean, nothing to the world, everything to my twin.. celebrities who became everything wishes to be nothing. What is nothing then? Small comfortable house and nothing else? But is that really nothing? I’m just trying to make sense of it all honestly.. Im scared of being forgotten after my last breath. I’m running out of time, am I? I’ve done nothing wrong nor achieved anything. I want to leave the world with something. I want more time, I want to learn the piano, saxophone, violin and harp. I want to learn the way music works, the way it’s taught, the way it makes us teach ourselves things that we never knew existed..Would I have done enough? I want to leave letters, I’m sure nobody would read them. Technology. Haha. So is this my letter to the world and future? I don’t want to hear it anymore.. I don’t want this to be a mark of my existence. It isn’t enough! I want to mark people, make them live, make them live the emotions I ever so slightly felt at least once, I want to feel proud of myself in my last moments. Will I? Will people ever know my life the way I did? Will they ever understand my feelings? I just never will know, I’m miserable. I want to die. But I don’t want this. I don’t want the world to know that this is the weakness I fell for. I want to know that the world has loved me. I want to be able to feel the way that they will feel. Knowing my feelings, mistakes, wins, my legacy (I still have no shot what it is) my love, my family, my death, my fears. Just how long will I survive? How long will it take till I truly live? I don’t know… the answer probably is not that much longer.. maybe just maybe, I’ll love someone. I don’t have a greater mindset than anyone else, I have no idea what my Purpose is and how to go through it, against it, pass it. Is it really all in my mind already? Where can or would I be able to find it? I want to know that I will be learnt by people.. studied even, I am selfish. I am scared of just leaving ashes behind my death whatever it might be, I’m not a poet at all and I don’t do great poems, I wish I did. Do we all have a shot in life? I really don’t think so, I hate that life is so unfair. But it’s not like I was power in this fucked up place, I think about death daily. Like I’ve been there, was I? I don’t remember any life threatening events that happened to me. I want to laugh at peoples misery, the I’m the most miserable human in any room full of person I see. All have a purpose.. what is mine? Will I ever know it? I’m so tired of trying to find my own happiness again and never once getting the slightest of idea it might be.. I know small facts, I’m not a big mind.. I don’t know how to become one. I want to fly free as a bird, like the sound of my instrument flowing through the air with ease, like a runner in a race, like a baker in its own bakery. I want my place. I am a rat in a fancy restaurant, a princess in the slums, a pig with lipstick in a ball. I am not in my own place.. my right place, is Canada the place I wanna live in till my very last breath? Dying in honor for this country? Having my own future in this place? Yet another thing I can’t understand about everything. I clean every day and nothing changes, I hate this life. I want to trace my own life and it’s wild path, but how? I am repetitive but I need to know if I have enough to do the right things before I am gone, I want the world to know that I am not a person with no meaning or moral. I have my own limits, mistakes regrets and fears. I have not yet achieved any of my dreams or goals since I have no idea what they are, my life is bad but I’m fighting, dying is too easy for me to give up yet if I could I would yield to suicidal thoughts easily enough but I want to be something before nothing. If I throw myself away, is this how I’ll be reminded? I want this to be my legacy, my writing. No.. that’s dumb. I want it to be imprinted in people’s mind, make them change perspective, make them think of what they want to achieve before their last breath. I don’t want to be ashes. I want to live in someone’s mind, be honored for what I did, I am human, everyone is. I don’t want prizes, I want people to go for their own dreams and path even if the world screams and scares them. I want to change our future generations, we can do better than now yet nobody does. I have my life ahead of me yet I do nothing. I am useless, but you guys can. Ashes I will be. We are all decomposing, we need to act beforehand. I want to affect the world. I want to leave my print. I am dumb maybe I’m an idiot.

Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Your words resonnated with me, I don't exactly know how. They reminded of all the questions I also myself sometimes, all the doubts that sometimes creep in and yet, I want to keep going, because I want to find that light that fuels; I want to learn more and more about it.

I don’t have answers to everything but I don’t have no answer either. I think many of us go through periods and moments in our life where we question our own existence and the world we live in. I understand how tough it is to determine what that purpose of yours is and how you think about death and how you want to make the most of your time before it’s too late.

I don’t think I can answer all of your questions in one go because to be honest, it’s a lot of questions, so apologies for that.

I don’t exactly know how people find out their true purpose in life, because it’s personal to each, but one thing that unites these people, I find, is that hope that they will find that purpose someday and live with that beautiful purpose hopefully for the rest of their life.

I don’t think I need to divulge too much right now, but something that keeps me alive and going every single day, no matter the highs and lows… that light that keeps me going is my faith. And that faith can take multiple forms and it’s something that I try to remind myself about. It’s something that keeps my hopes up when I doubt if I’ll be able to succeed in the things/areas that I say that I will commit to. I don’t know everything, but I trust. I trust that good things will come out of what I want to achieve, and I actually don’t know much more than you do about my purpose of life, but I hang on and trust that I will maybe find out about it.

And I don’t think that finding that purpose is that “one answer” that you need to look for, but it can actually take multiple forms, and you can notice many hints of your preferences and potential talents right now. These are potential hints to your purpose maybe, to your legacy (and I don’t have a perfect definition for legacy, but something that people remember about who you were or what you did in life, I’d say that’s legacy) 🩷

I can’t know how the ending of all of this will be, but one thing I’m certain of, is that no matter how small you think your contribution is right now, it can be seen as the biggest source of hope that came into their life. You can’t always know, but maybe you smiling can turn around someone’s life, and that small act of kindness can bring so many blessings to someone’s life. I believe that any small action can bring happiness into the world and bring in positivity when things seem and are dark.

I think that one of the many ways to discover your purpose in life is by experimenting. I think it’s by trying things out, and making mistakes, and learning from them, and trying something new again and again that life experiences shape who you are. It’s maybe a simple answer, but that’s a message that I want to emphasize.

I guess this quote is right after all: You’ll never know until you try :)

I think everyone’s timing is different and until then, what we have control over is our everyday actions and how we respond to the life events around us 🩷

I think that you don’t need to have all the answers ready to make the best out of your life. Your existence has meaning and I truly hope that my words will be that reminder that you matter in this world 🩷

Remember, it’s by starting with a single drop of water that an ocean can be formed 🩷

Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you ever need anything; we’ll be happy to help :)

(sorry for the kinda long answer; I tried to keep it relatively short/long, but I got inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing by the way; I appreciate it!)

Hi, @SoleilSportive11

(no idea if the @SoleilSportive11 worked oh wait I made it highlight 🤭)

Didn't know if anyone would actually read all that gibberish, can’t thank you enough for answering both of them with you wisdom, I am quite baffled it inspired you. Didn’t think so. I don’t know if you will get any notifications, this platform confuses me. Makes me feel like a granny, I love both of your answers and the way you answered them, I really appreciate it but I still feel like I would prefer a mental hospital than this hell of a school but I’ll get through it I hope. I’ve met someone a month or so and she became my best friend, she gave me a different answer. Anyway not the real point, most of the questions were pretty much all about making a true impact and living life before dying I didn’t know how it inspired you but I guess if I can make even this small change with my writing I am delighted then. I had such a long essay I had to cut like 3000 characters to erase (not a flex) too damn long for anyone to understand but I’m glad I made it resonate with you. Was it long to read? Well either way, have a great day.

Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Yep! You tagged me and it worked 😊

Thanks for your feedback on my answers. I’m grateful to read that you like how I answered you :)

I’m happy to see that you’ve made a best friend! It’s good to have someone by your side when times are rough and your friend seems to be a good one and a good source of support too :)

I think it’s a good thing that you took the time to share some info about yourself with your friend. It’s normal that our answers are different; it shows the multiple perspectives from which we can understand and respond. I think it would be a good idea to take time to reflect on our answers if you wish to; you’ll see by our answers that others do value you and you’re important. You matter 🩷

If you think a mental hospital would be a better source of help, then I think it’s worth thinking about and maybe it would be good to get advice from a trusting adult before making a decision. Do you maybe have someone in mind to whom you talk to to see if a mental hospital could be a good option for you?

And yes! Your writing did inspire me. I was really touched to see how much you care about making a difference in others’ lives and I wanted to try to be at least one of the people who could do that kind of favour in return to you. You have a caring heart 🩷

Keep writing; you can maybe change a person, a city, a generation, or the world with your words ✨

Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out!

Thanks you for your message. Now I know that I am not the only one worried about that! Just say that you are not there. Just live the moment present, don’t worry about your futur. Live day per day!

Hey @RoseOptimiste7

Honestly I do not know how to respond to all of that, I feel like the questions you asked constently flowing in my mind and I do not find an answer to them ethier. The only thing that I know for sure and thus can respond, is that even if you do not find your purpose and are scared of being forgotten, I can assure you that I will remember this message you wrote. If that can assure you, you have someone that will remeber this and that was marked by your word. I know that if you continue to write people will read you, because I will. Thank you, you helped me put words on my thoughts.

Hope you have a good day :)

@SnowboardBrillant15 aw your amazing, I am writing a book actually and thank you for your kind words and support I completely appreciate it. My book is about a man in the London developing area where people are all stuck in one apartment and some go work in mines and the man works in a publishing warehouse and slowly goes completely insane because of his sleep paralysis haunting his sleep and never getting a good sleep. The hallucinations will make him slowly starts to hurt the people he lives, will he commit a crime? That’s what people will know throughout the book. I want to make it creepy and I’m not a chapter in but I’m working on it and doing poetry because of a film and I think of publishing that too so thank you!

@RoseOptimiste7

Omg! I want to read that book now! The description of your story reminds me a little of Jekyll and Hide. It's really cool that you were able to find a way to leave your mark on the world, because if you publish this book, or anything you write really, there are people who will read it everywhere and forever.

Take care and good luck with your book! :)

@SnowboardBrillant15 thanks!!!! It is gay too and does have pretty bad homophobia as its in the 1820’s but its not an happy ending

@RoseOptimiste7 That sound like an insanely good book! It has love, angst, mystery and a touch of scary, it seem so good. Continue to write it, you seem like you have a great imagination and really good ideas.

@SnowboardBrillant15 Your so Lovely! Thank you! I definitely will, I really am struggling to write right now but I’ll definitely write tomorrow, have a good day, I’ll definitely post it one day on this website if it gets published!

@RoseOptimiste7 Well I can't wait for it! Good luck with your writing, I know how difficile can be to stick to writing a book, but I am sure your gonna make it :)

I think the only way to exist after death is to know how to love correctly. Love is not only the feeling you have over someone. Love is to try to reach infinity. It could be by making your own creations that can make you live for ever trough your creations. It can also be to create by having childrens. They are the proof that you were in this world. Death is the question that has the most no answers. I think we should not fear death because we don't know what's behind it and because this fear is an obstacle to live a peacefull life. There is only one thing we know about death, and that is that it is inevitable. We must accept that things are temporary. I think life is worth living precisely because you never know when it will end. That's why life is priceless and that the best thing you can do is to do what you really love. You don't have enough time to spend it on unecessary things. If I can give you my own theory, there is nothing after life. You maybe dream about the people you loved and what makes your life worth it but I think that's it. It's maybe really sad but this thought can perhaps be a guide to tell ourselves that life deserves to be lived in our own way.

ne plus vivre

bonjour, j’avertis toute suite ça risque d’être assez long, mais j’ai besoin que quelqu’un me lise et me comprenne..

donc je vais commencer, la fin de l’année scolaire ( soit mon secondaire 5 ) arrive à grand pas, et je suis quelqu’un de bizarre j’aime l’école le secondaire, ça me créer beaucoup d’anxiété mais je me suis créer un groupe, une routine, des liens avec des profs, des repères, bref j’ai terriblement peur de cette fin qui approche, alors mon cerveau fonctionne en me disant que je devrais en finir avant cette fin, pour être certaine de ne pas savoir si j’ai raison ou pas pour la suite ( que ce sera différent et déchirant )

j’ai grandis avec un père existant mais non présent, alors au secondaire j’ai toujours chercher cette figure paternelle dans les enseignants hommes, et l’année dernière j’ai eu un prof de qui je me suis confier et de qui je me confie encore beaucoup, je le vois comme ce père absent justement, il m’écoute et il me fait rire, mais je sais que je n’aurais jamais cet écoute jusqu’a chez moi et ça me déstabilise, j’aimerais avoir ça présence disponible quand ça ne va pas du tout dans ma chambre tard le soir, mais je n’ai personne

de plus depuis que mon cerveau conscientise que c’est bientôt la fin, je suis tomber dans une phase où la danse qui me faisait du bien au par avant ne me créer plus souvent de l’angoisse et de la fatigue que du bien, et c’est pareil avec les petites choses, souvent je l’ai fais quand même mais ça me prend deux fois plus de temps et de courage et surtout d’énergie, ma mère ne sait rien et je ne veux pas qu’elle sache et les autres non plus alors je porte ce fameux masque qui me fait être cette fille joyeuse et toujours en train de rigoler

mais chez moi je m’écrase, je pense, je me fâche contre moi même, mais si ma mère m’appelle je vais me lever avec le grand sourire et le faire en disant une blague pour m’assurer qu’elle ne sache pas que ça ne va pas

aussi je me fais du mal, je me blesse et depuis 3 semaines la fréquence a triplé, mes pensées noires également et je ne crois pas directement me suicider car j’ai peur de la mort, mais je voudrais juste arrêter de vivre tout simplement, ne pas me réveiller un matin, je parle comme si je voudrais aller mieux, mais en réalité je suis bien dans tout ça, car j’ai l’impression que si je vais mieux ceux qui sont la présentement s’éloigneront de moi

je ne vois pas de futur, de moi au cegep ni de positif, alors j’ai peur de ça, je me sens constamment vide et mes crises de colère de panique et d’automutilation d’éteindre même à l’école, j’ai un laissé passé pour ça, mais je rate beaucoup de cours et je n’étudie plus alors qu’il y a à peine 5 mois je paniquais à l’idée d’avoir un 85%, ça me fait peur d’être comme ça et de devoir m’organiser avec des profs pour qu’ils ne me fassent pas faire un tel examen car je ne suis pas capable de me motiver, et je rate plus souvent comme je disais mais parce que je sors de classe ou car je suis avec un adulte pour m’évaluer, mon prof sait tout et j’ai une psy et un autre professionnel à l’école, mais je me sens constamment seule

et dans les relations une moindre déception se retourne contre ma confiance en moi et je me punis en me blessant, je ne sais pas ce que j’ai exactement; mais j’ai besoin de réponse et je cherche constamment à écouter de la musique triste, des séries ou films comprenant des personnages qui me rejoins, bref je sais que c’est vraiiiiiiiiment long et désolé merci à toi d’avoir tout lu et de m’avoir répondu

help !!

seule

salut, dernièrement c’est comme si je flottais dans le vide constamment les choses qui me faisait du bien m’en procure plus tellement, et j’ai des pensées noires plus fréquemment qu’avant et je me blesse aussi plus souvent, mais j’arrive quand même à garder un masque de soleil. ma mère avec qui j’habite je sait rien, a l’école par contre je parle beaucoup à mon prof d’educ et puisque je lui ai parlé de mes pensées noires il a du me référer à quelqu’un ( je lui parle encore ), mais je suis suivis par 2 professionnels une psycho éducatrice et une psychologue, un TES me surveille et ce prof, donc je ne suis pas seule, mais depuis c’est comme si j’avais constamment envie de parler, mais en même temps non je garde les choses pour moi jusqu’a explosé et faire des crises de paniques énormes, et je peux sortir de classe avec un laissé passé, mais je me sens constamment seule quand même et en perte de contrôle, ce dernier samedi je me suis blessé avec une intention différente de mon habitude et j’ai peur, j’ai besoin de quelqu’un, mais toutes ces personnes je ne peux pas leur écrire après l’école ils ne répondront pas et je ne veux pas recommencer tout le temps, mais bref ça ne va pas je ne sais même pas ce qui ne va pas mais je sens juste que ça va pas, il y’a un trou en moi..

Parents très strict

Salut la gang! En ce moment je traverse une période très difficile et donc évidemment mes notes baissent et j'ai des parents très strictes qui me font réviser à la moindre mauvaise note. Je pense que je suis en train de craquer. Si jamais vous avez des conseils ou juste dire que vous au moins vous me comprenez ou m'écouter parce que mes parents c'est pas trop ça. Voilà j'espère que tout va bien pour vous!

Gros gros questionnement

Salut la gang! En fait en ce moment je suis dans une grosse période de changement et je me pose beaucoup de questions sur mon corps. C'est bizarre parce que des fois je me sens plus fille des fois plus gars et des fois aucun des deux. Puis en ce moment je suis genre vraiment dans une grosse période de changement et de questionnements. Je sais pas si c'est normal mais si jamais vous avez des conseils ou vous êtes juste dans la même situation que moi j'aimerais des conseils pour savoir si vraiment je suis une fille ou un garçon ou les deux parce que je sais pas comment différencier les trois. Je suis comme un peu perdu là. Aussi à l'école on me traite de tomboy. Je comprends pas trop ce que ça veut dire mais si jamais vous savez vous pourriez peut-être m'expliquer. Voilà j'espère que vous passez une bonne journée ou soirée. Portez-vous bien!

Do I know anything?

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