Why am I jealous of my brother or sister?
Seeing your brother or sister receive attention, accomplish something or get praised by the people around you can sometimes make you feel jealous or frustrated. It may also lead you to compare yourself to them in a negative way. If this happens to you, there is nothing wrong with you, and you are not alone. Jealousy between siblings is common, even during adolescence. Let’s talk about it.
Sibling rivalry is normal
Experts call it sibling rivalry. Since childhood, you and your sibling have shared the same home, the same toys, sometimes the same clothes, the same parents…and you may sometimes feel as though you have to share their attention, too. During adolescence, this rivalry can take a different form. You may have started comparing:
your grades;
your physical appearance;
your talents;
your popularity;
your romantic relationships;
or even the way adults talk about each of you.
These comparisons can create a sense of unfairness, even if no one intends to make you feel inferior.
Jealousy often hides something else
When you feel jealous of your brother or sister, you might think that they are the problem. But jealousy often tells us more about ourselves. Maybe you wish you felt more confident, received more recognition or knew what you were truly passionate about.
In other words, jealousy can sometimes be a sign that an important need is not being met.
Watch out for the comparison trap
When you compare your everyday life with the best parts of your sibling’s life, your brain is not always being “honest.” You may see:
their good grades, but not the work behind them;
their confidence, but not their moments of self-doubt;
their accomplishments, but not their disappointments.
Meanwhile, your brain does the exact opposite with you: it focuses mostly on what is going wrong. The result? Your self-esteem can take a hit.
💡This article gives you 6 tips to improve your self-esteem.
Your parents may not understand what you are going through
If you have ever heard things like:
“You should be proud of your brother.”
“Stop comparing yourself.”
“You should be happy for her.”
…you may have felt misunderstood.
Your parents are probably trying to calm the situation. But that does not mean your hurt or frustration is not real! If you want to talk to them about it again, try focusing on how you feel rather than on your brother or sister. For example: “I often feel like I’m never good enough. I’d like to feel appreciated for the things I do, too.”
This may help them better understand how you feel and what you need to feel better.
You do not have to be the best to have value
Maybe your brother is great at sports. Maybe your sister is popular. So what? Their success does not take away from your own. Self-esteem does not come from being better than other people. It grows when you learn to recognize your own strengths, your efforts and what makes you unique. Ask yourself:
What do I enjoy doing, even if I am not the best at it?
When do I feel proud of myself?
What strengths do the people close to me see in me?
You may discover that your worth is not measured by the same standards as your brother’s or sister’s.
What if jealousy starts taking over?
Sometimes, jealousy can make you want to isolate yourself, lash out or argue frequently with your brother or sister. When that happens, it can help to talk to someone you trust, such as a parent, another adult, a teacher or a counsellor.
You do not have to carry all of this alone. Most importantly, remember that there is no single way to succeed in life: you do not have to be a copy of your brother or sister to have value.
