The first time

That’s easy: there isn’t one! There’s no specific time when you should want to have sex for the first time. Everybody has their own pace, history, and feelings: you’re ready… when you’re ready! Sometimes your body might be sending you signals: desires and urges. It seems to be ready… but your head isn’t there yet.

In addition to the ideal age, there has to be an ideal situation. Do you trust your partner? Does he/she trust you? In case statistics can make you feel better, in secondary 5, only 1 out every 2 kids has already had sex.

Source: Lavoie, F., Hébert, M., Poitras, M., Blais, M. & l’équipe PAJ [2015]. Les activités sexuelles entre jeunes. Montréal: Université du Québec à Montréal.

To know this, you can ask yourself 2 very important questions. First, do you want to have this physical experience with this person? Second, do you trust him/her? You need to be ready to talk to the other person about your doubts, wishes, expectations… in short, your intimate life. Does your partner know how to listen to you, give you confidence, and reassure you?

Sexuality is an experience, a process, a kind of learning. It’s as if you were going on a trip with the other person: Do you trust that person enough to set out alone with him/her? Do you have compatible interests and desires? Of course, your desires and needs may be different at times. It’s impossible to always agree about everything, but there has to be some common ground!

In the beginning, everyone has fears or worries. No matter how much experience your partner has, remember that for him/her it’s also the first time… with you! After all, every person is different, with their own desires, drives, and limits. So it’s important to talk together about what you know and what you want.

Sex isn’t an exam! Nobody’s grading you – you don’t need to be “good”! Now is the time to explore! Give yourself time to learn more about your partner and yourself. Go slowly and remember there’s no one technique, since everybody’s different. If you feel comfortable about it, ask your friends and other people questions to help prepare yourself.

First sexual intercourse can sometimes be a bit painful. If a girl feels stressed, the muscles of her vagina contract, which makes penetration more difficult. And stress is also bad for arousal: then there might not be enough vaginal lubrication, which can make penetration uncomfortable.

Ultimately, if you’ve never experienced full vaginal penetration, the hymen – a small membrane located at the vaginal opening – is tight. Depending on the shape of their hymen, some girls won’t feel anything, others may feel slight discomfort, and some may feel more or may bleed a little.

Did you know that your hymen might already be dilated if you play various sports, use tampons, or masturbate? In addition, hymens come in all shapes! If you’re afraid you might feel pain, you can help dilate your hymen by pushing it aside with gentle massage and stroking.