I’m scared

I don’t know what to do and school is starting soon. I am shit at school by complete honesty I fail in everything I try, I double my maths and I’m still failing at it! I am overwhelmed and well obese, I don’t want anyone to be like oh your still beautiful and any bull shit, I look like a dumpster. I barely shower or take care of myself hair or anything, I’m a mess, I am self conscious and aware that I should do something about it but I don’t. Forced in a suit I can’t take off and being mad to the person I care the most about, I can’t hurt people feelings because mines are dead, right? Yet I do so every day. I feel like a monster for hurting people, I feel like I deserve to hurt and bleed for atrocious things I’ve done, locking myself in my mind but if I do so it’s enveloping myself in the suit I wanna burn. I hate it, it’s the reflection of what I hate the most, ugly fat idiotic people who think they are above it all. A mirror. The suit is just whom have I been watching from afar without taking action to stop the truth. I don’t want to accept I’m not traumatized from the suit. I love the suit, the comfort of its laziness appeals me. I don’t want to stay in it yet I yeild to it every day.. I want to build a new suit but the monster is in the way and I don’t feel any good or hope. I want life to scream and make me cry so I accept the truth that I am still in the suit every single damn day. I want to kill myself but before someone goes on to tell me how it’s bad, I know it is I’m not an idiot. I don’t want to face life. I am weak, I should fight for my life because I have a chance compared to others but I don’t, I got thrown 2 times or more erasers at me and get laughed at over the years and I have no self respect and esteem for myself and I overeat every day, I scream at my sisters sometimes because I bottle up my feelings, I clean every day since my mom has health problems and works too, my dad sleeps in the day and works in the night the whole week and weekends. The house is a mess and it drains me and my sisters don’t even help. I’m scared to go back to school, I skipped every gym class because I’m scared and now that we’re going back to school on 9 January I’m scared. I rather be in a mental hospital honestly. I hate gym class and I feel like the most stressful annoying piece of shit. I rather be nothing than go there

Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

Oof… All of that sounded rough and raw. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you right now I honestly want to thank you for sharing with us right now.

It takes courage to write these words.

It takes courage to show your vulnerability.

It takes courage to want to change.

It takes courage to face yourself every day despite all the negative thoughts.

You have that courage in you and I felt it through your words 🩷

I know my words won’t fix everything, but let me tell you something. Your life is worth living. Your appearance and self-esteem are worth improving with good self-care, and I don’t mean the toxic way of trying to achieve the perfect body or anything… What I mean is it’s worth taking care of your mind and body because your mental health and physical health matter. I’m not here to do that a speech about how suicidal thoughts are a sign that someone needs to be fixed. You’ ve said that you know that already. But I wanna tell you that if you need help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to professionals and get that help you deserve.

You deserve to love your body. You deserve to take care of your body properly and provide it with nutritious food.

You deserve to appreciate your features and you deserve to work on yourself to improve yourself.

That suit that you described does not seem to have a fixed shape yet, or a fixed state yet. You don’t have to confine yourself to that suit. You can choose whichever suits you and fits with your values, beliefs, and motivations. You can adjust the sleeves of the suit, you can change the color, etc. You can ultimately change how you feel in it. You deserve it, really 🩷

That monster might be scary. It might contain the negative thoughts you are holding against yourself, ones that are trying to bring you down. I want to tell you that you can filter that criticism. You can choose to shut off some of the negativity. It’s not always the best thing to do to avoid negative feelings, because it’s ok to feel them, but it’s important to let them go and learn to heal in the process. But if it feels too challenging sometimes, you have the right to shut off these negative thoughts, to accept that they are there, but to respectfully not focus on them in the moment. You have the right to prioritize your well-being 🩷

Take things one step at at time. No change comes easy nor does it comes fast. I understand that doubling in maths is no fun, but I believe that you can succeed this time.

One. step. at. a. time.

Try to get yourself a tutor, someone to help you with homework, someone who will motivate you to believe in you when you sometimes forget that. Try to succeed in class, no matter what success means to you. I believe that you will be able your classes with patience and perseverance. And it may seem like a simple message, but I still want to deliver it to you. Try. You’ll never know until you try.

You can do it.

You will be able to do it: one step at a time and with help if you would like.

I believe in you; keep going. Be kind to yourself 🩷

Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you wanna talk; we’ll be here :)

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