Do I know anything?

avatar

RoseOptimiste7

elle/elle

4m

I always think of the way or what happens after I die, the way it was written in Hamilton (musical) it got to me and made me think about it, what is a legacy? Who truly knows what to do in everyday moments? What does death feel like? Cold, warm, wet, dry? Is it a feeling or a pain? Do you have the wisdom when you die? Do you think of yourself or love ones? Will someone ever tell your story? Who do you trust for such things? I want to know but I won’t, will I? Will someone love me so that they tell my story truthfully? How to know what love truly is? Is it complicated? Is it the way you see them and it feels like you always knew them? Do they feel like what you were is what was missing in their life? Is it sweet? What if it gets bitter? Who will sacrifice to sweeten it? What if it’s already cooked and just stays bitter forever? What if you don’t have a good life? I don’t know what to do about it but I don’t want to be ruining someone because of my own past. What if I never get kids? What do I know?! I don’t know anything about everything but everything about nothing.. IT TRIGGERS ME BUT ITS TRUE! I can’t just be blind over the fact that we completely forgot about the fact that we aren’t even close to knowing what is happening in the world and universe yet we act like we have a clue, how did Einstein knew? I mean it was always there, how did he perceive things? He was just always right? No way. I barely know anything like him but I want to know, not to flex. Those things fascinate me so much I’m happy to know more. Even though I don’t have the energy of process like him but I want at least a glimpse of it. I want to have my own mark in history. Still my own mind knows im worth more than a dollar, at least I hope so! I’m not sure I’m wise, what is a wise person? someone whom gain knowledge by experience and errors? I think so. But there’s so much more to it I think.. lately I’ve been feeling like a little clock. Always watched, I’m not feeling well outside of my house, is the world looking at me in such ways it knows I’m in danger? I don’t think so, I hurt my body staying inside but I can’t get out without having the feeling something will happen to me, I want the person to stop the mockery of me. It’s not fair, I want it to stop. Just who is it!? I feel like I’m looking for a needle in a bottle of hay. I’m lost, I can’t find what I like. What if I make the wrong choice of my future? I don’t want to lose everything. Who will be the one telling my errors on front page of embarrassment? I want to seek the truth and future yet future can’t ever come to me, the truth flows through me and never lightens me or my mind, do I not know how to achieve this knowledge yet? I need to get back on my feet.. laying on the ground will never make me fly through wind and find the unseen truth of it all, but what will awaits me there? What if I can’t see or feel the truth? What if the truth will never come? What if the truth was false? What can I achieve in a world where I am nothing until I find a purpose I haven’t gotten hints to find it? What if my purpose is to find a way to make it happen? Make what happen? Why shouldn’t I be in history? Why would I be in history? What if those eyes are the people watching my story? Watching my future unravel before my own very eyes? What if I am both of them? Nothing and everything? I mean, nothing to the world, everything to my twin.. celebrities who became everything wishes to be nothing. What is nothing then? Small comfortable house and nothing else? But is that really nothing? I’m just trying to make sense of it all honestly.. Im scared of being forgotten after my last breath. I’m running out of time, am I? I’ve done nothing wrong nor achieved anything. I want to leave the world with something. I want more time, I want to learn the piano, saxophone, violin and harp. I want to learn the way music works, the way it’s taught, the way it makes us teach ourselves things that we never knew existed..Would I have done enough? I want to leave letters, I’m sure nobody would read them. Technology. Haha. So is this my letter to the world and future? I don’t want to hear it anymore.. I don’t want this to be a mark of my existence. It isn’t enough! I want to mark people, make them live, make them live the emotions I ever so slightly felt at least once, I want to feel proud of myself in my last moments. Will I? Will people ever know my life the way I did? Will they ever understand my feelings? I just never will know, I’m miserable. I want to die. But I don’t want this. I don’t want the world to know that this is the weakness I fell for. I want to know that the world has loved me. I want to be able to feel the way that they will feel. Knowing my feelings, mistakes, wins, my legacy (I still have no shot what it is) my love, my family, my death, my fears. Just how long will I survive? How long will it take till I truly live? I don’t know… the answer probably is not that much longer.. maybe just maybe, I’ll love someone. I don’t have a greater mindset than anyone else, I have no idea what my Purpose is and how to go through it, against it, pass it. Is it really all in my mind already? Where can or would I be able to find it? I want to know that I will be learnt by people.. studied even, I am selfish. I am scared of just leaving ashes behind my death whatever it might be, I’m not a poet at all and I don’t do great poems, I wish I did. Do we all have a shot in life? I really don’t think so, I hate that life is so unfair. But it’s not like I was power in this fucked up place, I think about death daily. Like I’ve been there, was I? I don’t remember any life threatening events that happened to me. I want to laugh at peoples misery, the I’m the most miserable human in any room full of person I see. All have a purpose.. what is mine? Will I ever know it? I’m so tired of trying to find my own happiness again and never once getting the slightest of idea it might be.. I know small facts, I’m not a big mind.. I don’t know how to become one. I want to fly free as a bird, like the sound of my instrument flowing through the air with ease, like a runner in a race, like a baker in its own bakery. I want my place. I am a rat in a fancy restaurant, a princess in the slums, a pig with lipstick in a ball. I am not in my own place.. my right place, is Canada the place I wanna live in till my very last breath? Dying in honor for this country? Having my own future in this place? Yet another thing I can’t understand about everything. I clean every day and nothing changes, I hate this life. I want to trace my own life and it’s wild path, but how? I am repetitive but I need to know if I have enough to do the right things before I am gone, I want the world to know that I am not a person with no meaning or moral. I have my own limits, mistakes regrets and fears. I have not yet achieved any of my dreams or goals since I have no idea what they are, my life is bad but I’m fighting, dying is too easy for me to give up yet if I could I would yield to suicidal thoughts easily enough but I want to be something before nothing. If I throw myself away, is this how I’ll be reminded? I want this to be my legacy, my writing. No.. that’s dumb. I want it to be imprinted in people’s mind, make them change perspective, make them think of what they want to achieve before their last breath. I don’t want to be ashes. I want to live in someone’s mind, be honored for what I did, I am human, everyone is. I don’t want prizes, I want people to go for their own dreams and path even if the world screams and scares them. I want to change our future generations, we can do better than now yet nobody does. I have my life ahead of me yet I do nothing. I am useless, but you guys can. Ashes I will be. We are all decomposing, we need to act beforehand. I want to affect the world. I want to leave my print. I am dumb maybe I’m an idiot.

Réponses

  • avatar

    SoleilSportive11 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/elle·18 ans

    4m

    Hi @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

    Your words resonnated with me, I don't exactly know how. They reminded of all the questions I also myself sometimes, all the doubts that sometimes creep in and yet, I want to keep going, because I want to find that light that fuels; I want to learn more and more about it.

    I don’t have answers to everything but I don’t have no answer either. I think many of us go through periods and moments in our life where we question our own existence and the world we live in. I understand how tough it is to determine what that purpose of yours is and how you think about death and how you want to make the most of your time before it’s too late. 

    I don’t think I can answer all of your questions in one go because to be honest, it’s a lot of questions, so apologies for that.

    I don’t exactly know how people find out their true purpose in life, because it’s personal to each, but one thing that unites these people, I find, is that hope that they will find that purpose someday and live with that beautiful purpose hopefully for the rest of their life. 

    I don’t think I need to divulge too much right now, but something that keeps me alive and going every single day, no matter the highs and lows… that light that keeps me going is my faith. And that faith can take multiple forms and it’s something that I try to remind myself about. It’s something that keeps my hopes up when I doubt if I’ll be able to succeed in the things/areas that I say that I will commit to. I don’t know everything, but I trust. I trust that good things will come out of what I want to achieve, and I actually don’t know much more than you do about my purpose of life, but I hang on and trust that I will maybe find out about it.

    And I don’t think that finding that purpose is that “one answer” that you need to look for, but it can actually take multiple forms, and you can notice many hints of your preferences and potential talents right now. These are potential hints to your purpose maybe, to your legacy (and I don’t have a perfect definition for legacy, but something that people remember about who you were or what you did in life, I’d say that’s legacy) 🩷

    I can’t know how the ending of all of this will be, but one thing I’m certain of, is that no matter how small you think your contribution is right now, it can be seen as the biggest source of hope that came into their life. You can’t always know, but maybe you smiling can turn around someone’s life, and that small act of kindness can bring so many blessings to someone’s life. I believe that any small action can bring happiness into the world and bring in positivity when things seem and are dark.

    I think that one of the many ways to discover your purpose in life is by experimenting. I think it’s by trying things out, and making mistakes, and learning from them, and trying something new again and again that life experiences shape who you are. It’s maybe a simple answer, but that’s a message that I want to emphasize. 

    I guess this quote is right after all: You’ll never know until you try :)

    I think everyone’s timing is different and until then, what we have control over is our everyday actions and how we respond to the life events around us 🩷

    I think that you don’t need to have all the answers ready to make the best out of your life. Your existence has meaning and I truly hope that my words will be that reminder that you matter in this world 🩷

    Remember, it’s by starting with a single drop of water that an ocean can be formed 🩷

    Don’t hesitate to reach out on the TJ forum if you ever need anything; we’ll be happy to help :)

    (sorry for the kinda long answer; I tried to keep it relatively short/long, but I got inspired by your writing. Thanks for sharing by the way; I appreciate it!)

  • avatar

    RoseOptimiste7

    elle/elle

    4m

    Hi, @SoleilSportive11

    (no idea if the @SoleilSportive11 worked oh wait I made it highlight 🤭)

    Didn't know if anyone would actually read all that gibberish, can’t thank you enough for answering both of them with you wisdom, I am quite baffled it inspired you. Didn’t think so. I don’t know if you will get any notifications, this platform confuses me. Makes me feel like a granny, I love both of your answers and the way you answered them, I really appreciate it but I still feel like I would prefer a mental hospital than this hell of a school but I’ll get through it I hope. I’ve met someone a month or so and she became my best friend, she gave me a different answer. Anyway not the real point, most of the questions were pretty much all about making a true impact and living life before dying I didn’t know how it inspired you but I guess if I can make even this small change with my writing I am delighted then. I had such a long essay I had to cut like 3000 characters to erase (not a flex) too damn long for anyone to understand but I’m glad I made it resonate with you. Was it long to read? Well either way, have a great day.

  • avatar

    SoleilSportive11 alltheme

    Ado TJ·elle/elle·18 ans

    4m

    Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

    Yep! You tagged me and it worked 😊

    Thanks for your feedback on my answers. I’m grateful to read that you like how I answered you :)

    I’m happy to see that you’ve made a best friend! It’s good to have someone by your side when times are rough and your friend seems to be a good one and a good source of support too :)

    I think it’s a good thing that you took the time to share some info about yourself with your friend. It’s normal that our answers are different; it shows the multiple perspectives from which we can understand and respond. I think it would be a good idea to take time to reflect on our answers if you wish to; you’ll see by our answers that others do value you and you’re important. You matter 🩷

    If you think a mental hospital would be a better source of help, then I think it’s worth thinking about and maybe it would be good to get advice from a trusting adult before making a decision. Do you maybe have someone in mind to whom you talk to to see if a mental hospital could be a good option for you? 

    And yes! Your writing did inspire me. I was really touched to see how much you care about making a difference in others’ lives and I wanted to try to be at least one of the people who could do that kind of favour in return to you. You have a caring heart 🩷

    Keep writing; you can maybe change a person, a city, a generation, or the world with your words ✨

    Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out!

  • avatar

    HamburgerPersuasif12

    il/lui·15 ans

    1m

    Thanks you for your message. Now I know that I am not the only one worried about that! Just say that you are not there. Just live the moment present, don’t worry about your futur. Live day per day!

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  • avatar

    GrenouilleRigoureuse3

    elle/elle

    2j
    Ma meilleure amie

    Allo,

    Aujourd'hui j'ai eu une chicane avec ma meilleure amie. En fait on est un groupe de 4. On était tous dans l'autobus et je me suis mis à parler de ma meilleure amie et comment je me sentais avec elle avec une autre de mes amies mais sans faire exprès elle m'a entendu. Elle m'a demandé pourquoi on avait dit son nom et mon autre amie lui a répondu qu'on trouvait qu'elle n'était pas assez à l'écoute et qu'elle coupait la parole. Ça l'a beaucoup insulté et nous a dit qu'on acceptait pas la critique ce que selon moi est faux donc on avait pas le droit de lui reprocher qqch car c trop pour elle vu qu'elle a un problème de gestion de colère. Ensuite plus tard dans la soirée je lui écris pour lui expliquer pourquoi je ne me sentais pas bien dans la situation et elle m'a répondu qu'elle voulait que je l'écoute plus et qu'il fallait que je comprenne qu'elle passe par une période difficile. Je le comprends mais je ne sais pas comment lui expliquer que moi aussi j'ai besoin d'être entendue et écouté ce qui n'est pas le cas en ce moment.

    Je ne sais pas quoi faire.

    Merci

  • avatar

    SoccerSérieux11

    elle/elle·14 ans

    3j
    Je suis tanné

    Bonjour, aujourd'hui, je vais parler de ma relation social, à l'école. Je m'explique: Un de mes amis, on va l'appeler Nathan, à une blonde qu'on va nommé Éléa. Mais Éléa est vraiment super jalouse et quand Nathan est avec une autre fille que les 2 meilleures amies de Éléa, elle devient 100% jalouse et commence à parler dans le dos de la fille en question.Mais cette fille en question, maintenant, c'est moi. Et moi qui pensait que Éléa était mon amie, ce midi, je suis venue pour m'asseoir à ma place habituelle, ce qui veut dire entre mon ex et Nathan. Mais Éléa, ses 2 best, une fille que je déteste à mourir qu'on va appeler Gabrielle était la, en me regardant et me rejetant quasiment. Et mon ex-crush d'on j'ai eu le béguin pendant au moins 2 mois, avais pris ma place. Et Gabrielle ma regarder en me disant: «Tu vois bien qu'il n'y a plus de place, allez, bye bye, woush-woush» et je suis partie manger dans la cabine. Ma meilleure amie, on va dire Lory, est venue cogner à m cabine et ma demander si je voulais qu'elle viennent manger avec moi. J'ai dit oui et une des profs est venue nous voir pour nous demander de sortir. On est sortie et un gars de ma classe qui était mon ami dit qu'on sort ensemble alors que pas du tout ! Aidez-moi j'ai besoin de savoir comment réparer sa.

  • avatar

    TisaneBienveillante10

    Ado TJ·elle/elle·17 ans

    3j
    Journée internationale contre l'homophobie et la transphobie 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

    Bonjour Forum Tj! On espère que le beau soleil de mai vous fait du bien! 


    Nous sommes le 17 mai :) Ça veut dire qu’il y a 34 ans, jour pour jour, l’homosexualité a été retirée de la liste des maladies mentales de l’Organisation Mondiale de la Santé. 


    Ainsi, ce jour est maintenant la Journée internationale contre l’homophobie et la transphobie. Et fun fact, c’est au Québec qu'est née cette journée (grâce à la Fondation Émergence, en 2003)! 


    Que pensez-vous de cette journée et des discriminations envers la communauté LGBTQ+? On se demandait si vous aviez des expériences, des opinions ou des pensées par rapport à ça. C’est le moment de faire entendre votre voix! 


    On espère avoir beaucoup de réponses! 


    Prenez soin de vous 🩷


    Les Ados Tj

  • avatar

    NuageZen4

    elle/elle·14 ans

    3j
    Décevoir.

    Allo! Depuis quelques ans je suis un peu perdue. Bon, commençons par le début. Toutes mes amies mon quittées au primaire, mes parents se disputaient chaque jour et nuit. J'avait déjà de l'insomnie mais leurs cris m'empêchaient de dormir. Je me rappelle avoir fait promis a ma mère qu'il n'y aurait jamais de divorce et c'est pour cette raison que jusqu'à aujourd'hui, je me culpabilise car mes parents sont toujours ensemble même si ils ne s'aiment probablement pas. J'ai toujours été intimidée par mon frère, il m'a frappé plusieurs fois et on se parle presque plus maintenant. Il me faisait plusieurs commentaires sur mon physique ce qui m'a créer un complexe. Il m'a même répéter de me su1c1der plein de fois. En tout cas, je suis venu a la conclusion que je n'ai pas de qualités. Je me déteste tellement. Afin d'avoir une manière de me valoriser, je me concentrais sur mes études. J'ai donner cette image de moi en tant que "étudiante parfaite qui ne parle pas beaucoup et qui est la meilleure de la classe". Tous les compliments que mes professeurs et me camarades de classe me donnaient ont crée des sortes d'attentes et j'avais tant peur de décevoir tout le monde. Je travaillait de jour a nuit chaque jour pour avoir les meilleures notes partout, pour rendre mes parents, mon frère, mes camarades de classe et mes enseignants fières car c'est le seul moyen. La présentement, ça fait longtemps que je ne suis pas aller a l'école. J'ai tellement travailler que je me détruisait sans même m'en rendre compte. Je ne sent plus rien. Je suis vide. Rien ne me semble réel. Les cicatrices sur mon bras augmentent de jours en jours. Bizarrement, je ne veux pas me sentir mieux. Au fond de tout ce mal être se trouve du confort. Je ne trouve plus de raisons de vivre. J'ai l'impression que rien existe alors pourquoi vivre? En plus de ça, il y a quelque d'autre qui a des bonnes notes. Elle est belle, elle est bonne en sports, elle a du talent, elle est gentille, elle a plein d'amis, bref, elle a tout ce que je voudrais. Je me sent mal de l'envier autant mais elle vole mon seul moyen de me valoriser, ma seule raison de vivre: Être "parfaite". J'ai peur de décevoir. Merci d'avoir lu tout ce texte. S'il te plaît, aide moi.