Read it if you have the time please

see I’ve never had much attention or friends not even my parents.. it’s not neglect don’t worry My dad as shoulders injuries and can’t help anymore because he overwork till his injuries overtook him. My mom as diabetic problems (type 1) and big health problems they are both obese but that isn’t the point, they treat me well.. just they weren’t emotionally there too much and even when I was a kid I pushed them away because I was in a world I created myself I think from what I’ve been told I stayed alone most days.. My whole life.. the first time I was conscious of my actions I was just disgusted of myself.. I wasn’t an ugly kid but I always found myself disgusted and I can never shake it off.. I never had friends, I was a weird kid reserved and fat.. I only ate pasta because this is what we were affording.. my sister has adhd and was troubling too much and my mom was after her all the time.. I stayed alone reading and having my own universe.. and my little sister got born and I had less attention.. I had none at all.. then school.. I wasn’t hated but wasn’t liked enough to be anything to anyone, got used for gifts for friendship and then not talk to me, my aunt died and it made my grades worse to 50 percent, I got bullied for my weight in high school, I learned a coping mechanism.. I hit myself till it broke a bone.. I had attention that I always wanted, and I broke my arms and legs so much times I have a record of ten cast.. I never felt so much miserable but I had attention.. got bullied mor right now in high school and I’m having existential issues.. I have no idea who I really am.. I’m nothing, I hate gym classes and it makes me wanna die to go there.. I breakdown most often then not,  I became therapist to some online friends and begged them to not kill themselves and it definitely scarred me in some way, I just have no one else that listens or care about me enough except my family and  I fail in high school at everything now.. (I skip all my gym classes.) I have been mean to people I know and hit them because of my bottling up and I don’t know what or where my life is going.. I wanna die so bad and change life.. I’m an idiot and I don’t know what to do.. I clean the house for my family every day I feel like a maid and a fool.. Got carried away and told my life story it’s probably not worth the time to read really but it gives context, now honestly I eat my emotions and I’m 250 kg and 5’3 (163 cm) I am unstable, I harm myself, not with a knife as I wrote but with my hands, I feel less like I have blood on my hand stains (hypothetically speaking.) I’ve got casts but I keep getting the need to do more to get pity and love, it’s growing on me and I don’t know what to do and I never told anyone the secret of my many casts (three were genuinely accidents when I was a child. Rest are me just hitting the bone) I want to starve myself to loose weight as I am bullied but I overeat too much after (yeah I tried now I just overeat.) I’m honestly ugly and I’m the one to blame, I lost the ability to take care of myself and I scroll my life on medias eat and clean the house. My sisters and I have a very bad and good relationship, we all curse and hate ourselves and if they cuss at me I just cry the night but I’m not so good myself and talk back more than my mouth shuts. I want to do figure skating i love it and tried to learn how to skate but it hurts my feet too much because of my weight, I loved the sport it makes me feel the adrenaline and I’m extremely happy even watching it I can feel their emotions in the performance and exhaustion it’s captivating to me, it’s just like I always loved it, i also have an electric violin but a string is broke and I don’t know how to play it but I love it i always did and I want to learn it but I don’t have ressources or money and I already do poorly the saxophone and I don’t practice even if I’m in the school orchestra! I read a write bad poems, i love jazz and classical literature but I don’t even bring myself to read my books or do poems, well it’s not like I would be a good poet, i focus to much on rhymes that my poems just don’t flow into someones mind like I wished. I just want to cry all the time and hit myself like recently in November I used a metal bottle with a shirt inside to cover the sound. My healthcare is free if anyone is interested in the story and my dad has a good insurance. I feel like a monster for making them pay for my own health too but I need it, I feel genuinely like a monster. Can someone please just tell me what I am? I don’t think I’m crazy but I feel like it because I am paranoid being alone with a man (therapists.) some where nice but I don’t trust them and I’ve never got hurt in anyway by a man last I remember. The constant feeling of being alone and watched paranoia me. I rarely tell my true feelings to anyone even a great therapist I’ve had, I’m scared of betrayal and I just throw it here hoping someone can tell me what is wrong with me.

Hi!

I just wanna stay, before starting that I understand you completely. I may not be in the same position as you. Not totally. But partially, yes. I also feel like a maid around my family, I do like writing poems (a lot) and I don't think they are good. I don't find myself pretty, no one ever did tell me it (just family members). I also have no one to talk to, that can really understand me as well as my clone could.

So, I want to say that you are not a monster,no one is. I know it'll sound weird from someone who can't help herself too, but I like me, you like taking care of people, continue. People will love you for that. I'm sure you belong somewhere, we all do. We just need to find the right place.

If I could give you an advice: don't stop writing. Never do. Write when you feel sad, happy, angry, depressed. If you have no one to talk about everything's happening in your life/mind. Write. It can help so bad, trust me. And do not judge you for what you write, just let it go, let your mind control the pen on the paper.

I am sure that everything's gonna be soon okay, that you'll be happy. I hope too that this helped you and will. If you need again, some advices, if that helped you (hope so). You can continue to write, I'll be there to answer.

Xxx

Have a good day :)

@RoseOptimiste7

Hey @RoseOptimiste7 🩷

I honestly am starting to understand you more clearly now that you’ve provided some context. I see where you’re coming from and I see that life’s been difficult on your side. I’m sorry to read that you hurt yourself to the point that your bones broke multiple times; I imagine that it must have been a really difficult period in your life.

I honestly want to highlight @MargueriteBienveillant7 ’s answer. I genuinely love her advice and I would recommend the same to you. Write. Write when you’re happy. Write when you’re sad. Write when you feel angry. Write when you feel lost. Write when you don’t know what to write. Just write, and I think you will feel some change in your emotions.

You’re not a monster. Really. You are a valid human feeling valid emotions. 

From what I understand in your message, I see more of a sense of overwhelm. So many things to try, many things to do, to write, many things to learn… It’s a lot. It’s a lot on many people’s plates, and I see how trying to pass your gym classes in school, appreciating your body, trying to not talk back, attempting to write poems, books, learning an instrument… It’s all a lot to think about at once.

I think it would be helpful to focus on 2-3 things at a time. How about that?

Maybe you could try focusing on attending your gym classes right now and trying to eat at least one nutritious food per day while trying to write out what you feel whenever you want to. That’s about 3 things to focus on at once, and if you can try to set smaller objectives for you to reach, I’m sure you’ll get there :)

Maybe you could also try to do some figure skating by learning techniques with videos on the web. I think it's worth it to take time to learn more about something that brings a smile to your face :)

I think that it’s by taking small steps and moving forward that you can notice the biggest changes in your life. It may sound a bit cheesy, but honestly, I find it true in many cases :) 

It’s normal and it’s human to feel overwhelmed. And I’m here to say that you can do it and that you will be able to bring positive changes into your life one step at a time ✨

Give yourself a chance; you deserve it 🩷

Side note: thank you for putting your trust in the TJ forum to share how life’s been for you. I imagine that it took a lot of courage and I wanted to highlight it. I truly appreciate how you were open about your feelings just now; you’ve good a a good heart that’s been hurt and sometimes put to the side. I encourage you to take care of yourself even when you feel like you don’t deserve it because you deserve it. Don’t hesitate to reach out on the forum if you want to talk; we’ll be here to talk 🩷

rupture

je suis en couple avec ma copine depuis 5 mois maintenant. je pense qu'on s'aime vraiment mais justement ces derniers temps je ne cherche plus vraiment une relation serieuse comme ça (en gros je prefererais des fwb) parce que j'ai l'impression qu'être en couple n'a fait que de m'apporter des problèmes.

je sais que ça parrait pas logique comme ça mais en fait avec ma copine on a tt les deux des gros problèmes personnels et à force de parler de ça on a plus aggravé nos problèmes. je pense aussi ça car on a eu des problèmes assez compliqué ensemble parce qu'on se mentait. en plus elle va demenager cet été donc on va meme plus pouvoir se voir souvent (en plus ses parents me detestent donc ça n'arrange rien) et j'ai surtout pas envie d'etre en relation à distance car pour moi une copine doit etre là pr son copain et inversement donc si on ne se voit pas ça va etre compliqué

mais donc ce qui me fait hesiter à rompre c'est vrm mon amour pour elle car tous mes potes me disent que notre relation est toxique et qu'on doit rompre. en plus je ne voudrais plus etre amoureux donc raison de plus pour la quitter.

j'ai aussi bcp de mal à lui dire car avec ses problèmes j'ai très peur qu'il lui arrive quelque chose après ça

bref, j'aurais vraiment besoin de conseils car je ne sait plus quoi faire.

ma meilleures amie sort avec un gars toxique

je ne sais plus quoi faire

je vous mais dans le contexte j'ai rencontrer ce gars a l'halloween dans un atelier il monter le ventilateur de la prof et je les aider et puis on a commencer a ce fréquenter je parler toujours de lui a mon amie et elle était contente pour moi et puis on n'a décider de ce mettre ensemble mais je l'es quitter parce que il m'étouffer beaucoup TROP et bien sur j'en n'avait parler a ma meilleure amie et elle me comprenais mais je suis quand même rester aime avec ce gars un mois après les deux ils m'appelé en face time et ce gars dit qu'il veux pas dire quelque chose car je suis la et la j'ai commencer a avoir des soupesons j'ai d'abore demander a mon amie se qu'il avait mais elle ma dit de lui demander je lui est demander et il ma dit qu'il aimait MA MEILLEURE AMIE j'était en tbk je le savais déjà qu'il manipuler les gens mais qu'il sens prend a elle a me mal

Srx j'ai tout essais pour que il ne se mettre pas ensemble j'ai même parler au parent de mon amie et il faut s'avoir que il ment et qu'il la tromper mais elle ferme les yeux et la elle est vraiment attacher car elle a fait sa premier fois avec se gars j'ai même pence a couper les pont avec elle car mais ca me fait vraiment de la piennt car je la considre comme ma soeur

est ce quel qu'un que a de consile pour moi

ps desoler pour les faute

Bucket list

Allô!

Mon travail que mon enseignante m'a donnée c'est de faire une liste de ce que je voudrais réaliser plus tard. Est-ce normal que je ne sais pas quoi faire, plus tard? Je n'arrive pas à me projeter. J'ai un rêve, oui, mais il n'est pas réalisable. Je voudrais aller dans un autre monde -j'ai compris plus tard que ça signifiait mourir pour moi.- En plus que mes intérêts sont difficiles en ce moment, et que je suis coincée à la maison.... Je m'ennuie. Il y a plein de choses qui tournent dans ma tête... Je voudrais tellement vous en dire plus...

Enfin, merci de m'avoir lue.

Tempêtefestif3.

Gage

J'ai une amie un peu plus jeune que moi qui m'a anoncé y a pas longtemps qu'elle était lesbienne.

Plus tard elle m'avait avouer être naguère tomber amoureuse de moi et je lui est clairement expliquer que je n'avais aucune attirance pour les femmes. Elle a été très compréhensive en disant qu'elle le savait et que sa faisait longtemps qu'elle était passer à autre chose.

Cette même amie à une amie dont elle est amoureuse. On va l'appeler Julia. Elles se sont avouer leur sentiment quasi en même temps mais on choisit de ne pas sortir ensemble.

Je sais que cette amie (je lui est pas encore donner de nom mdrr on va l'appeler Aby) est très malheureuse loin de Julia et j'ai tenter plusieurs fois de comprendre se qui la bloquai si elles étaient amoureuses les deux. Et y a pas longtemps elle lui a envoyé un message. J'étais si contente pour Aby mais là elle ma dit ça :

"Si je lui dis, tu le dis à Charles." (C pas les vrais noms)

Charles est mon crush (et aussi ami) depuis la 4e année (oui ça fait trèèès longtemps) Et je l'ai confier à Aby ya pas longtemps. J'ai refuser son gage mais à cause d'elle je songe de plus en plus à lui dire. L'année prochaine il change d'école et je risque de ne plus jamais le revoir...

Je l'aime tellement...

Je sais pas quoi faire.